Old LOTR fic
by Antigone Chaucer of Kells
Summary: An old story I wrote and deleted from here, put back for entertainment's sake, I'm really really sorry to whatever part of your brain is killed by this...


Lord of the Rings: the parts they didn't want you to read

Lord of the Rings: The Parts They Didn't Want You to Read.

(This statement is not legally binding. HA!)

Written in diary form.

Written by:

6 Cats with major egos

2 ravens

A chimney sweep

And some deranged nut (moi?)

(Note: chimney sweep was sacked after impersonating Michael Caine. BADLY.)

New Characters:

Simone: Hair styled. (trying to steal)

Moi (me): Does her own style and looks stupid doing it.

Kiara: Scientist's are working on it.

Lynn: Fringe (possibly evil)

Middle Earth Day 1

Popped up in the middle of council of Elrond.

Elrond – total prat always names everything after himself.

Middle Earth Day 2

Kiara made a leap for shiny ring.

Elrond uses leapy, jumpy moves from Matrix.

Note: Freeze jump – V. cool

Middle Earth Day 3 

Snuck into Elrond's room and tried on his costumes.

Note: Scottish kilt - V. Breezy. 

Middle Earth Day 4

On big snowy mountain. Kiara says it's called Caradhas. What was wrong with big snowy mountain?

Middle Earth Day 5 

Tried to push Gandalf off big snowy mountain. Fell off instead. Climbed back up, grabbed his stick and poked him. He didn't notice!

Middle Earth Day 6

Threw stick at his head and he didn't know it was me! Hee Hee Hee……………

Middle Earth Day 7

In V. Dark caves of Meh 

Got a kiss from gorgeous elf ……. I think …… I hope…… ……..Oh god.

Middle Earth Day 8

Talked to furry footed Frodo.

Sam bit me in the shin

Middle Earth Day 9 

Frodo and Boromir went for walk in woods.

Followed at safe distance.

Saw them have cuddlefest in the leaves.

Am completely freaked out now.

Middle Earth Day 21 

In Rohan. Got to ride in front of Legolas on horse. His big muscular sword poked me in the back several times.

Middle Earth Day 22

Gandalf exposed Wormtongue (I knew)

Middle Earth Day 23

Simone pointed out that Gandalf's all shiny (It took her six days) Gandalf must have gone to dry cleaners after 1600 years.

Middle Earth Day 24

King-look-at-me-I-got-a-haircut-Theoden called yet another meeting. Have considered stealing his shiny crown but I fear his hissy fits.

Note: Celtic Babe/Elven Bride is my friend….. my precious….(well not really)… but I really do like her!…….

…( well not really)

Part 2 – Helm's Deep

Middle Earth Day 26

Everybody moved to Helm's deep, tis dingy.

Screwball named Aragorn fell off cliff and came back.

(why does nobody die?)

Middle Earth Day 28

Some bloody fuckwit blew up wall. Was fun to watch Lynn fly 500ft and land on someone's sword.

Middle Earth Day 29

Saw dead people playing chess ………… are they allowed to do that?

Middle Earth Day 30

Elf guy came late with really bad hairdo.

Told him to look in a mirror ….. he pushed me off the wall.

Elves are so touchy.

Middle Earth Day 32

Gandalf the sparkly and Eomer did big comeback……to bloody late.

Middle Earth Day 33

Results of war: 

Us: 300,002

Them: 250

That's bad because there were only 300 of us to begin with.

Middle Earth Day 35

Lynn started cult.

Middle Earth Day 36

Lynn cult finished.

Lynn still wearing costume.

Middle Earth Day 39

Lady who used to be red head but is now blonde popped up in Middle Earth

'Look it's academy award winning actress Nicole Kidman!'

Punched Simone for sounding like a movie poster.

Kiara is wondering who Nicole Kidman is.

-Later-

Kiara is still wondering. She has finally stopped talking! Praise the bearded dude! …….Well not really.

Middle Earth Day 40

Irish Babe/Elvish Bride used time machine and came to disperse info. Socked her in her face and her head flew off. Glued it back on and tossed dead carcass over wall and waited for scream. Looked over wall and saw 200 dead bodies. Did I do that? Part 3 – The Matrix

Middle Earth Day Meh

All of us went to crappy Helm's Deep room and had very uncomfortable silences. Where we all stare at each other's legs. It's really scaring me…. Oh no wait, that's just my reflection. Awwww….. for a minute there I thought I was loved…

Middle Earth Day Meh Part 2

Phone rang. Creepy voice said to run away. 

We ran away…… I wish I had more self-control.

Middle Earth Day Meh Part 2 1/8

Saw what we ran away from….. (Some freak does a drum roll)…..SUIT WEARING YUPPIES!! The core of all evil!! And they've got Elrond! Eh… no….

Middle Earth Day ?

Due to my utter lack of self control we are now in a room with a guy who doesn't exactly use correct grammar or powder his head…. so shiny…. He offered us either the blue or the red pill, all of us are colour blind so we took the grey pill. Kiara wouldn't take either so Lynn shoved it down her neck.

Matrix Day 1 

Went into room, experienced rebirth, blah blah blah, and then learned kung fuey!

Kicked Simone's ass

Kicked Kiara's ass

Lynn kicked my ass

Lynn kicked Keanu's ass

Simone came back and kicked Lynn in the shin.

Matrix Day 2

Met Elrond, who now wears spanky new YUPPIE suit.

He said something threatening but was distracted by his shiny hair.

Matrix Day 3 

Bald guy who missed a spot when shaving betrayed us! Morpheus got pissed and knocked through a wall with his head.

Matrix Day 4 

Fuckwit Mcmoron Morpheus (my new name for him, god I hope he likes it!) got captured. Am completely against rescuing him.

Matrix Day 5 

I cannot believe I'm rescuing Morpheus….. it's not my fault…. ……I was tricked…… by shiny things…

Matrix Day 8

Irish Babe/Elvish Bride came and saved Morpheus. Neo is pissed because she stole his thunder and refused to help Trinity, therefore Trinity will not be appearing in anymore fan fics. 

Matrix Day 7 

Irish Babe/Elvish Bride, Kiara and me joined the Matrix mafia and whacked several Magpies.

Matrix Day 8

Everyone in mafia woke up with a horse head in their bed except me ….. I feel so left out….

Matrix Day 9

Matrix mafia finished.

Kiara is sad but at least she found love in her horse head…… ……too much love.

Matrix Day 10

Keanu boasting about being "the one".

Simone got pissed and through bricks and cats at him.

That's really all for now; it might be a while before there's another chapter up. 

You can start partying when I leave. closes door

People: Yippee!! 

Antigone: uh…. I only closed the door, I didn't exactly leave….. ……

Watched Gollum go fishing and fall flat on his face ha ha ha …. ….He fell…. 


End file.
